Great news this morning: I got an email from Udacity saying that I was among the 1000 students selected from phase 1 to get a 6month Nanodegree scholarship!
Phase 1 was the Google Developer Challenge I completed this winter (a 3month program spanning from November to February).
I was somewhat convinced I wouldn’t make it to the 2nd selection and I even had my “anyway argument” ready: “anyway I would be at school at the time of the nanodegree, so it doesn’t matter”.
“It doesn’t matter” : remember that phrase, it’s almost always a lie. It DOES matter that my efforts are recognized by a once in a life-time opportunity.
“It doesn’t matter”: so I completed all the required exercises, sometimes twice, sometimes thrice, but I did not participate in the forum and slack space as much as I thought was required to get into the second phase. I didn’t give it my 100%. I gave it my 90% but not my 100%.
The distance between those 90% and 100% is full of impostor syndrome’s feelings and beliefs (aka: full of crap). Facing the complexity of some exercises, my confidence melted. I thought I wasn’t good enough to be in that program. I thought the questions I wanted to ask on the forum were not good enough. I thought that, being a fraud, I had no right to ask for help…
People with impostor syndrome are not objective at all about their accomplishment. They think it’s never enough (quantity) and never good enough (quality).
I don’t know how to deal with it. I know that it drives me to avoid interacting with people in my cohorts, to avoid asking for help, to feel guilty about taking a time out… All these being unbalanced and unhealthy things, the way out is probably to do the opposite, even if it’s scary: interact, ask for help, get enough rest. Those must be my goals now.
That being said, I’ve just turned form “I’m concentrating on school” to “I’m doing both school AND the nanodegree”. (I’m not turning the opportunity down.) So that was me today:
“Brain, Body, listen. I need your FULL collaboration.”